Conversation 

SHARING DISEMBODIMENT

When you’re alone, the mind floods your awareness with concepts and related images… thoughts.  But in a conversation, you’re double-teamed by the mind that’s always talking to you, and by the other guy’s mind.  Listening to that mind projects you into its concepts and images.  Instantly, the mind that’s always with you reacts by offering even more of the same.  This projects your sense of self, and the other guy’s, into a jointly created and shared virtual reality.  These exchanges can disembody and unground both of you, sometimes for hours.  This is considered normal human conversation.

DEFENDING THE EGO

In a heated conversation, concepts and images related to the roles you play in life are often projected into this shared virtual space.  When a conversation untethers you from feeling who you are in the present moment, one of your role-playing identities can easily be threatened.  If your teenager pushes one of your hot buttons as you discipline him, it can be as stressful as explaining those dubious items in your expense account to your boss.  This kind of social situation can leave your ego undefended in hostile territory.  But one intentional breath can pull you back into your truer and less fragile identity.

Social Practice

DEFUSING HOT BUTTONS

Due to prior conditioning or uncleared trauma, certain social situations can be extremely challenging.  For some, the “hot button” is the prospect of intimacy.  For others, it’s the fear of humiliation or even mild embarrassment.  And for many, it’s the threat of aggressive confrontation.  If an upcoming social situation might trigger you, try this exercise beforehand.  Find a video with content that’s likely to push your hot button.  Watch the video alone as you practice the technique.  Notice that the more you anchor awareness in your inner spaciousness, the less you’re projected into the triggering scenario.

LISTENING BETTER

When you notice a conversation becoming stressful, take an intentional breath as someone else starts to talk.  As you occupy your inner space, imagine their words traveling all the way to you to tap your eardrums.  Then, notice that your normal urge to “get a word in” dials down.  Could you actually be listening more?  When you practiced the technique in your room with your eyes open, you likely noticed that you were less projected into the room.  When you practice the technique in a heated conversation, notice that you’re less projected into the contentious virtual reality “out there.”

LISTENING DEEPER

It can be useful to take an intentional breath before you speak.  But that’s not always possible when conversations heat up and exchanges accelerate.  Yet, each time you take an intentional breath as someone else begins to speak, energetic spaciousness grows stronger in the background of your awareness.  As these exchanges continue, look forward to allowing others to speak so you can drop deeper into this stabilizing energetic spaciousness.  When you do speak, notice that your responses to even the most challenging comments are likely to be more grounded and less reactive.

CONVEYING AUTHENTICITY

Keeping awareness anchored in your inner space as you speak can reduce the ego’s defenses and promote spontaneous honesty.  So, using the technique may not be a shrewd move when negotiating a business contract or facing a spouse’s divorce lawyer.  But in relationships grounded in a certain amount of mutual trust, speaking while anchored in inner space tends to convey authenticity.  This invites others to drop their own ego defenses.  In an intimate conversation, try speaking from within your spaciousness and see if it defuses emotional reaction and leads to genuine understanding.

LISTENING TO THE MIND

Occupying your inner space as others “speak their minds” reinforces your deeper identity, allowing you to listen more objectively.  This can help prepare you to listen with detachment to the mind that’s always speaking to you.  The technique’s only goal is feeling inner spaciousness.  But the technique generates some useful byproducts.  In solitary, it’s thought reduction.  Out in the world, it’s stress reduction.  Try to identify with your inner spaciousness as you listen to the mind that’s always trying to be you.  When you do this, you’ve accessed the third byproduct… a reduction in ego identification.

LISTENING IN COURT

Detaching from ego identity is particularly important when you’re hauled into the mind’s courtroom.  These are the internal conversations you hear as the mind cycles through its roles as prosecutor, defense attorney, and judge.  Who’s the defendant?  It’s you, as long as the ego is your only identity.  Detaching from ego identity while you listen to the mind testify and pass judgement is an exercise often called “mindfulness,” a term revealing that you’re still in the mind’s territory.  But when listen to these courtroom proceedings from within your inner space, you’re grounded in deeper objectivity.

Clarification 

MIND and THE WORLD

Two phrases used often on this website may seem odd.  The “the mind” is used instead of “your mind” to reflect what you may have noticed as you practiced… your inner space can feel closer and more personal than the mind’s thoughts.  Using “the mind” highlights its distance from the sensation of self-identity available within.  The term “out there” reinforces the fact that scientists don’t agree on what’s beyond human perception.  But they do agree that our perception of the world is a map that’s quite different from the territory.  For more on these topics, check out the Origin page, or the blogs on this website.